Day 30 - Man oh man

Ok, here is another potentially divisive topic. What makes a man a man? Or, what does it mean to be "manly"? I have been thinking about this on and off since a little incident occurred last week between my father and my son.

Now, my father was raised during a time in which manliness was defined as "toughness". To be a man, you must never cry when you're hurt, you must always be in charge of your family, you must never whine or complain, you must eat lots of bloody red meat, etc. Now, I'm not saying he has never failed in these. All people fail to live up to their own expectations for themselves. But he certainly has taught us, his children, that we, too, should try to live by these tough, manly codes (despite the fact that he had three daughters. Go figure). When we do, we receive his approval. When we don't, we receive his ire.

Now, I am not criticizing him. I love my dad and am so grateful for the things he has taught me. His desire for me to be tough has influenced my personality in a lot of good ways. I am not one to be stepped on. I will get in your face if you've wronged someone I love. I will not sit idly by and let someone rule my life. Just ask my poor husband. Physically, my desire to be tough allowed me to have three babies with no drugs whatsoever.

Also, I should note that this man has a completely other side to him as well. I have, hanging beside by bed, a poem that he wrote for me when I was a little girl. I have a tape of songs he has written for me, not to mention another with songs he wrote for mom and for God. I have personally witnessed him crying like a baby over the Disney movie The Little Mermaid. And, he is an aerobics instructor by hobby. Right. nuff said.

However, it is the "tough" part of him that always seems to rear its ugly head whenever my boys show anything that could remotely be interpreted as weakness. Which brings us back to the incident in question. We were at Green Lakes and Dad and Josh went on a trail which took them around another lake before rejoining the trail Mom and Julia and I were on. Somewhere along this trail, Josh was tripped up by the dog's leash, and he went down, resulting in a nasty, bleeding scrape on his elbow. Now, I know my father loves my son dearly, and that he would gladly take a bullet for him any day of the week, but somehow he has a really hard time just comforting him when he's hurt. Or even remaining silent. No, upon enduring Joshua's entirely unmanly crying (this is an 8 year old boy, afterall), Dad felt the need to point out that real men don't fuss so much over such things and that he needed to be tougher. urgh.

To his credit, and entirely to my satisfaction, Joshua did not take this criticism lying down, but went on to argue with my father over his response. At one point, he even told dad that he was "filling me (Josh) with rage." Hee hee hee. I love his way with words. Dad did smile about this response later, perhaps realizing that "toughness" can be verbal, too. In fact, he said Josh would probably go on to write a Steven King-esque novel in which the evil bad dude is a grandpa. Steven King is a very manly author, after all.

I myself was disappointed and a little angry with Dad, but also confused. I mean, I sometimes feel the same way when I see one of the boys carrying on about something hurting when we're out in public. Sadly, my personal tendency is to encourage them to buck up and take deep breaths, essentially teaching them to hide their pain around others. At home, I am much more likely to just hold them and stroke their hair when the're hurt, telling them I love them and encouraging them that it's ok to cry. So, if I think it's ok for them to cry, why do I have little patience for it in public? Could it be that I, too, feel it is not "manly" and therefore something to be ashamed of and kept behind closed doors? I don't think I feel this way, but then I kind of act like I do sometimes.

So, what do you think? Does a man have to be "tough," never showing his pain, never crying, never whining, but stoically facing each new difficulty as a challenge to be overcome? Or, is a man someone who isn't afraid to show how he feels, so long as he doesn't dwell on it and allow it to keep him from living and doing what needs to be done? And when should a boy be expected to begin such manly behaviors? 8? 9? earlier? later? It is an interesting question. I will think on it some more...