I've decided that my emotions are just a little too overpowering lately. I'm going to blame pregnancy, you know, all those hormones pumping through me. It's a lot like when you're getting your period, except for nine months straight.
Sometimes those hormones just make me kind of gushy. Last week, I found myself crying over every sad or poignant commercial I saw. Books, too. Actually, I even cried a bit over the newspaper. And every little sweet thing the boys did or said made me tear up. They soon realized that mommy's sniffling was not, in fact, a cold coming on as they first suspected.
While dripping like a faucet over every little thing isn't fantastically fun, I would gladly take that over this week's emotion: anger. I have always had anger issues (thanks dad), but over the past few years have really learned to control it. Or at least I'm better. Ok, I'm still working on it, but I usually don't get angry over little stuff like I have been this week. It's not the explosive anger that I used to struggle with, but rather a seething, boiling feeling deep within me that lets loose in geysers of hot steam from time to time. The past two afternoons, after about fifteen minutes home, poor Jacob resembled something usually served at a bad Japanese restaurant. The first day, it was over those other kids I spoke of yesterday. Last night, it was over some extremely disappointing math work he brought home. If this keeps up, the poor child will simply not want to come home anymore!
And it's really not fair, either. My anger was at those other kids, not at Jacob, so he really should not have been the one to bear the brunt of it. And of course he's going to do badly on his work for the first few weeks. I mean, with all of the other changes and pressures upon him in this totally new environment, who could concentrate on math? I absolutely should not have reacted to it. As my mom so wisely pointed out, he has a new teacher. Now he needs me to be his mom.
The final slap in the face (although a good one, like the kind a friend gives you when you're crying hysterically and just need to calm down already) was what happened when I apologized to Jake for my over-reaction. He said "That's ok mom. I know it's the end of a long, hard day for you. I understand if you're a little grumpy." I don't know what I expected him to say, but it wasn't that. Instead of focusing on himself or on how unfair I was or anything like that, he basically looked straight into my heart and responded with sympathy for me. For ME. He is an unbelievably sweet kind-hearted boy. Frankly, after this, I don't care if he fails every class. He's got a good heart. The rest is meaningless.
So, with that, I felt the last bit of steam leave my body and now feel drained, but no longer angry. I am very VERY thankful for that. Let's hope next week my hormones stop effecting me so much and I can stay on an even keel for a little while. Or at least find a less destructive emotion to be overwhelmed by. How about peace?
