Tell me this. When exactly does one begin to feel "grown up"?
I am now twenty-nine years old, one foot hanging over the edge of my twenties, about to plunge headlong into my thirties, and I still feel like a kid inside. It seems like I hit maybe 15 and have never felt much older than that. I wonder, will I always feel this way? Will I be 85 someday, wondering how exactly I could have hit such an auspicious age without gaining a bit of that elderly wisdom and confidence I had always looked forward to?
Is it just me, or does everyone feel this way? Do we all struggle with those same high school fears and uncertainties, no matter how old we get? And why is it that so much of our "selves" is formed in that span of about fifteen years, from age 5 to age twenty? I mean, we live, God willing, eighty or so years on this earth, in this body, but it is ten to fifteen near the beginning that seem to form us most. Or, at the very least, to affect us most. How many people are working through something that happened to them when they were in their thirties when they hit 75? Or isn't it more likely that they're working through something that happened when they were 18 instead? I mean, I still struggle with issues that popped up in fourth grade. FOURTH GRADE! That is just SAD! Not to mention the fact that it makes my insides twist in a knot to think of how much I have to make sure the next ten years of my boys' lives go well, or they could be effected by it for the rest of their lives! Aaaargh...can't...take...the pressure!
For example, am I the only one who runs into a clique of "cool" women and feel like I want to fall through the floor and disappear? I have this group of women living just down the street, one of which is the quintessential "cool" girl from your high school. No, not the snotty snobby one who went on to become pregnant and live in a trailer park because she was too "cool" to say no to ANY of the jocks who wanted to get in her pants. I mean the cool one who wore the trendiest clothes and did the sports and the activities and was sooo nice to everyone that everybody just loved her. And they still do! And you can't even resent her without feeling like scum, because she really is sooo nice. Yeah, that girl. She and these two other women, who are slightly less "cool" but still part of her clique so they have the cool confidence and slightly condescending attitude that comes included with their membership card, are at the bus stop each day, and, I swear, I am just as nervous facing them as I was facing such girls back in high school. Perhaps if I was the vice-president of the United States or a brain surgeon or something, I wouldn't feel this way anymore. Then again, maybe it would just be the "cool" girls in the West Wing or the "cool" surgeons causing my internal terrors. Why are we affected so strongly by the opinions of other people? Who cares what they think, especially if they're not your friends anyway?
This is why I love family so much. You never have to feel nervous around your family, no matter how "cool" they may be, because they have no choice but to accept you. It's their job. If they don't, it's their problem and they're the ones with issues, not you. (please note: this does not include in-laws. It is actually in their job description to make you feel as unaccepted and unworthy as possible.) And I have been blessed enough to have a family that accepts and loves and encourages me no matter what. That's what this world is all about. Family. I think I'll have about ten more kids...
